An acquaintance of mine is learning quickly that she is too elderly, misshapen and unbalanced to even consider the idea of wearing modern evening wear.
I commiserated but had no real idea of what evening wear clothing might be in style in this nearly quarter-of-the-way mark of the 2000s. When she and I were younger evening wear meant a long gown, splashy jewellery, wrist corsages, dangly earrings, spiked heels and clutch purses just large enough for a hanky, a comb and some change for the pay phone.
Back in the depth of the spare room closet hangs one or two gowns that have been out on the town for appropriate occasions back in the day. One of the gowns was even worn the night our foursome went to take in what we thought was a Rotary Club dine and dance.
We arrived, all gussied up, only to discover this event was for gentlemen only (this was before women could become Rotarians.) We beat a hasty, embarrassed retreat, leaving our spouses to find their own way home after they dined and did whatever club members did at such functions. Both spouses got a talking to for not relaying proper information to their beloved companions!
Fashion styles have changed over the decades and now dressing up often means wearing a clean pair of jeans and a button-down shirt. Ladies might have bling on the backside of the clean jeans and rips across the knees.
My style is comfortable, nothing fancy except maybe a brooch on the lapel of a cozy jacket, with dress pants or black jeans, some bracelets and a ring or two. But truthfully, we haven’t been out anywhere lately that requires apparel coming close to “evening wear.”
But inquiring minds wanted to know so I Googled “evening dress for short, chubby, elderly women” just to see for myself what ladies of my age and stature might be wearing for a fancy night on the town.
A few glances later and it was determined that fashion designers have an odd sense of humour for thinking I might be interested in wearing, in public, any of the styles showing up under my specifications.
First of all, my front has never been as well-endowed as those of the models. Imagine the undergarment that would be required to allow some lift-up for a bosom of the elderly.
The slit up the skirt of the dress would require the wearer to put on some black fuzzy leotards to supply a bit of warmth on a cold winter night. And why would anyone of age require those holes in the fabric around the waistline? Imagine the rolls of flesh that would peek through!
A black palazzo pants outfit caught my attention — for a moment. The inseam of 35 inches meant a seamstress would have about 8 inches to chop off each leg, perhaps enough fabric to cover the holes in the previously-mentioned dress. Upon closer examination, the pants were made from a see-through material. My compression stockings would be shown off to advantage and certain to catch the eye of other attendees.
I winced in anticipated pain when I noticed the bits of straps and heels worn by the models, who by the way, were definitely not receiving any old age pension. The shoes were meant to convey height but I could only feel anticipatory pain in my ankles. My heavy black walking shoes would certainly add a bit of down-home class to the clothing on display.
On a positive note, I have a beaded purse somewhere, there’s a fancy and beautiful golden wrist watch on the dresser, and in a jewellery box I have some dangly earrings, perhaps even two that match. I also have bracelets and rings.
Just to add a bit of spiff for the evening, I could decorate my cane, or even add some blingy flourishes to my seldom-used walker. An evening out with me would be such fun, compression stockings and all.
Joyce Walter can be reached at ronjoy@sasktel.net
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
