University professor Robyne Hanley-Dafoe credits her mother’s efforts to make her mentally stronger for helping her survive a car crash that plunged her vehicle into a frigid, icy river.
Hanley-Dafoe, then 16, was driving home late one night when a blizzard unexpectedly hit. She slid off the road and into an ice-filled river, with the vehicle sinking and trapping her inside.
“… I realized I wasn’t feeling scared. I wasn’t feeling afraid,” she said. “I was feeling really angry, so angry at the thought I could not protect my mother from what was about to happen. That my mother loved me so hard, and I knew what it would do to her with her daughter drowning in a car accident.”
At that moment, a saying her mother said regularly floated into her mind: “I can do hard things.” This gave Hanley-Dafoe the confidence she needed to escape her ordeal, and after ripping open the window, she followed her air bubbles and swam furiously for the surface.
The Trent, Ont., university professor spoke of her ordeal during an online discussion recently about resiliency with Moose Jaw public and Catholic teachers and parents. She also discussed her research and findings over nearly two decades and gave practical tips to develop resiliency in youths and adults.
Hanley-Dafoe has written “Calm Within the Storm: A Pathway to Everyday Resiliency” to help parents and educators.
Escaping an icy grave
Hanley-Dafoe recalled her joy about escaping the water.
“I had this little surge that I was going to make it, then all of a sudden, smash! Something hit my face so hard. I couldn’t figure out what was going on,” she said. “Then I saw it. It was this thick, thick layer of ice over the river.”
She scrambled to find an opening and, after discovering a hole, clung to the ice with the blizzard still raging.
Luckily, motorist Joseph Todd was driving home from his late shift and saw the vehicle tracks going off the road. He drove along the river looking for a body until he saw Hanley-Dafoe. Jumping out, he used pieces of wood to support his weight as he crawled out, wrapped the chain around the teen, and dragged her off the ice.
Hanley-Dafoe was taken to the hospital, where her mother was grateful to see her.
Todd was later given the Governor General’s Award for Bravery.
“The reason I share this story is because it is the origin of why I wanted to study human resiliency. I believe in the human condition. I believe in the comeback,” said Hanley-Dafoe. “I believe even in our darkest hours that we can find our way through if we believe it’s possible.”
Five pillars of resiliency
Twenty years ago, people talked about having mental toughness or grit, she pointed out. However, based on her research, those people displayed other characteristics upon which they relied to make them resilient.
Those five characteristics or pillars include belonging, perspective, acceptance, hope and humour.
Belonging is having a “home team” to support, encourage, and protect us while providing psychological safety and a foundation of trust and relationship.
Perspective allows people to see and react to tough situations differently based on their life experiences. This extra experience enables people to control how they feel and align their minds and feelings.
“When we do that, we can make what matters most matter most,” said Hanley-Dafoe.
Teens have struggled during the pandemic since teenagehood is short — 13 to 19 — and the pandemic has taken almost three years of their lives, she continued. While an adult might not miss being 42 again, a teen won’t experience certain milestones again, such as turning 18 or graduating.
Acceptance is about identifying issues we can control or influence in our lives versus those we can’t control and learning to coexist with those uncontrollable issues.
Hope is about choosing to live hope-filled lives since that can change our physiology, enable us to be more empathetic and compassionate and increase our creativity and problem-solving.
“Now, when we are truly hope-filled, we recognize that there will be hard days and challenging seasons, but we stay committed to ensuring we make it through,” Hanley-Dafoe said.
Humour is about having joy, playfulness, lightheartedness and merriment in our lives, she added. While humour — particularly joy and play — is something people abandon when life becomes difficult, it is what’s needed during difficult life seasons.
