This week we hope to get our readers in a better mood during this self-distancing with some jokes. Hope you enjoy.
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Due to the quarantine...I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
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On day six of a self-isolation, a computer software engineer was so bored he started rooting around in his basement. He saw a spider, and displaying his bored state of mind, said Hello.
To his surprise the spider replied. They had a three-hour long conversation. Turned out the spider was a web designer.
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A nun decided to take a shower. Just as she got into the spray, the door bell rang.
Flustered, she asked: “Who is it?’’
“It’s the blind man. I have something for you,” came the response.
She thought for a moment and decided to let him in.
On entering, he commented: “Nice body, now where do I put the blinds?”
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Two little girls were playing one afternoon in the park when one said, “I wonder what time it is?”
“Well, it can’t be four o'clock,” replied the other brightly.
“How do you know,” asked the first girl.
“Because my mother said I was to be home by four o’clock and I’m not.”
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“Hello’’ said Jenkins, as he met his friend Jones. “You’re looking a bit off colour. Anything wrong?”
“I’m afraid there is,’’ replied Jones, “I’ve had to give up drinking, smoking and gambling.”
“Well, I must say that’s all to your credit,” commended Jenkins.
“Oh, no, it isn’t,” said Jones. “It’s due to my lack of credit.”
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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man lost his patience. He went out to the drinking fountain, forced the pill down his throat and swallowed down water until the pill cleared his throat. He hobbled back into the examining room.
Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Okay, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.”
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It was Grandpa Jones’ 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.
He explained: “I put my long life down to spending so much time outdoors. I’ve been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.”
“How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?” they asked.
“It’s simple,’’ he said. “When I married 75 years ago, we both made a solemn pledge. We agreed that whenever we had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take a long walk.’’
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Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, were getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley said, “Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?’’
Abe said, “I don’t care.”
A few minutes later Shirley said: “Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?”
“Your choice,” he replied
A few more minutes pass and Shirley said: “Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?”
An angry Abe responded: “Shirley, I really don’t care what you wear, but if you don’t get moving, we’re going to miss the Early Bird Special.’’
Ron Walter can be reached at [email protected]
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
