Until recently I thought the 12 days of Christmas began 12 days before December 25th, with the 12 drummers drumming on the day most open their presents. I was wrong, as the first day of Christmas is apparently Christmas day and the drummers come drumming on January 5th of the new year. Anyway, here is my rendition of the 12, not-so-healthy, days of Christmas:
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... gout. If your true loves are wine, gravy and anything baked, then there may be a reason why your big toe is as red as Rudolph’s red nose. Hopefully there’s allopurinol in your stocking.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…a hangover. This is your punishment for saying yes to this year’s signature drink of whiskey and amaretto. Good luck battling boxing day sales with nausea, headache and the sweats.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a fractured hip. Seasonal variations exist with most injuries and hip fractures rise in the winter months. Be kind and help those who are challenged with their strength and balance.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Holiday depression, anxiety and stress can be magnified by the real effects of SAD. The bleak, dark winter months are known to contribute to this mood disorder. Maybe hang full-spectrum lighting on your next Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… hypertension. Financial strain, family stress, salty and rich holiday fare can all increase one’s blood pressure. Prioritizing quiet time, going for a walk and starting your resolutions early may keep you from peaking.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… lumbago. Extra traveling, sleeping on different beds (or floors), standing at parties and clearing the driveway and sidewalk, are all back aggravators. Hopefully Amazon delivered your Dr. Ho Ho Ho machine on time.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a heart attack. Chest pain is never to be ignored. While your indigestion may be simply due to the extra stuffing, gravy and pie, it is one important symptom of a heart attack too often ignored. Sad fact is, heart attack incidents increase at Christmas time.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... the flu. Make sure the only thing that goes viral is your Christmas Facebook post. Wash your hands more, limit your double dipping and cough into the sleeve of your ugly Christmas sweater.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… food poisoning. Christmas is prime time for foods sitting out for hours to be picked on by guests throughout the day. Room temperature can invite those unwanted microscopic guests.
On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… insomnia. Christmas eve usually means less sleep. Excited kids stay up until two minutes before Santa arrives and get up two minutes after Santa leaves, grandma gets up at 4 a.m. to get the bird started, and the guests trying to sleep on the bed of exposed coils are all ready to crash five minutes after presents are open…let them.
On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…a cut finger. Lacerations are the number one Christmas-related injury. Make sure those are all honeyed carrots on the table and not one of the cook’s fingers.
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… the Heimlich Maneuver. Hard candies, dry turkey and cocktail wieners are just a few of the foods that can get lodged in the throat. Little ones are especially vulnerable to choking from tree decorations, treats in bowls spread throughout the house and new and exciting toys. Keep those Hungry Hippo marbles out of reach.
Please, please, please… wake up on January 6th unscathed.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the position of this publication.
